Buck was making his way into town. Chris and Vin had gone to a neighboring town to see the Judge. They'd likely be returning within the next couple of hours. JD and Josiah had gone out to the Welles' place to help with some repairs that needed doin. Nathan had gone out to the village and would probably be back soon himself. That just left Ezra. He wondered what he was up to this afternoon. As Buck was nearing Mary's what he heard, froze him in his tracks. God but he wanted to just rush on in. He could feel someone coming closer. Then he spotted Nathan.

Nathan got back to town and had been headed to the saloon when he heard a moan from down the ally. He found Mary behind a crate. She was coming around from being knocked out. When she came to enough the first words out of her mouth were. "Where's Ezra?"

"Ezra was with you?"

"I remember glimpsing him right before I was knocked out."

Nathan quickly examined Mary and helped her to stand. Then they both noticed Ezra's shirt and vest complete with weapons. Looked like Ezra was in trouble. Nathan gathered the things up and then he took Mary to Inez' place hoping to see Buck. The place was quiet for the moment. In an hour or so people would be in for dinner. He made sure both women were armed and then checked on his knives. Ezra wasn't in his room. Nathan grabbed some of Ezra's clothes, knowing he'd at least need a shirt. Neither was Buck. Guess that meant Nathan was on his own. He'd start in town and work his way out. Shortly after that thought he spotted Buck. He made his way carefully towards him. They quickly exchanged information and decided on a plan when they saw a man exiting the newspaper office. He was flipping what had to be one of Ezra's cards.

Buck stepped out and said. "Ya know that sure does look like a playing card of one of my friends."

The man got a gleam to his eye and replied. "Only a friend you say. Shame `bout that. You've missed yerself some damn fine ass, if I do say so myself."

Something inside Buck was screaming `Noooooooo!' at the same time as he launched himself at the man. The man may have had an inch and twenty or so more pounds on him than Buck, but it paled in comparison to the adrenalin which fueled Buck's anger. The man had been pulling his gun when he was tackled. The gun hit the ground just out of reach. Buck hadn't bothered to pull his own gun, instead giving into his need to vent his anger upon the form beneath him.

Nathan was torn between watching Buck's back and checking on Ezra. He knew that while a man might willingly lay with another, that this had definitely not been the case for Ezra with the man Buck was presently beating on. He was concerned that Ezra may be hurt beyond being raped. It looked like the man was down for the count. He called out to Buck.

"Gonna check Ezra."

Buck turned to look at him. It was then Nathan spotted the man pulling a knife and launched one of his own right into the man's chest. He headed into the building. Buck saw someone come out of a nearby building and told him to get the undertaker to get the body out of the street. Then he followed Nathan inside.

Nathan felt his knees weaken at the sight before him. He moved forward slowly, seeing the skittishness mixed with fear and shock in Ezra's eyes. Ezra managed to gasp out. "M a ry."

"She's ok." Buck said softly. His Mom had been a working girl. He'd seen and heard enough in the places he'd stayed to know that it sometimes didn't matter if a body was willing or not. He'd never been near before, when someone had been raped, but he remembered well what had been said about what helped and what didn't. God what he would give not to have to need to remember those things now. If that man wasn't already dead, Buck would have gladly gone back out to finish the job he'd started. Here was Ezra unimaginably hurt and the first words out of his mouth were for Mary.

"Ezra, I need to see how bad you're hurt." Ezra shook his head and tried to scoot away. Then he scanned the room frantically. Buck stilled Nathan with a light touch to his arm when he looked like he was going toward Ezra. Speaking in soft tones he said. "Ezra, Nathan has some clothes for you. Why don't you put them on and we'll go to the clinic. You could be hurt inside."

"Ah - ah am n n not."

Buck, who was crouched down, placed his hand out, palm up. Ezra looked at it and then at him and reached out with his own hand, placing it in Buck's. Buck didn't grab hold. Ezra looked into Buck's eyes. He didn't see any pity, just a deep sadness, mixed with a deep concern and the friendship that he had wished was more. That would probably never be more now, after what he knew. Knew! The others couldn't find out! The fear of that rocked him and brought him close enough to his senses to make him offer a trade. Buck had noticed the moment Ezra tensed.

"All, r r right, Ah shall g go with you, but ah need a pr promise first."

"What do you need us to promise Ezra?" asked Nathan who, while he was grateful there wasn't a visible amount of blood, still wanted to be sure, as well as to tend to the bruises and scratches that were visible.

"N no one else knows, please."

"I promise. Nathan?"

"I promise to do whatever is good for your health."

Ezra figured that was as good as he was going to get from their healer. He looked around. "C can't look like any more than a fight in here."

Nathan set Ezra's clothes next to Buck. He could see the other man was handlin things just fine. Didn't want to know how he came to know what he was doin and sayin, but was grateful all the same for the way he seemed to be connecting with Ezra.

"Ezra, why don't you put these on. While you do that, Nathan and I will fix this place so that no one will figure what happened." With his free hand he slowly pushed Ezra's clothes over towards him. Ezra nodded once decisively and removed his hand from where it rested in Buck's to gather his clothing.

Buck and Nathan set the room so that it just looked like a bad fight had taken place. Ezra had put on the clothes. Then they headed to the clinic. Ezra allowed the examination. He felt detached, like he was outside himself looking in. Nathan had seen him, had bandaged him before. Those times he had felt Nathan's caring, his anger, his emotion. This time the hands felt distant for all their efficiency. Or maybe it was he who felt distant. The emotional numbness was beginning to wane. He felt shame, anger, fear, loss, and grief trying to encroach like a wolf on a flock of sheep. He needed to go back to his room before the emotions broke through. If he lost control here, he wouldn't be able to settle himself before Chris and Vin returned.

Meanwhile Buck reluctantly left. He let Mary and Inez know that Ezra was injured in a fight with the man who had robbed Mary, but would be ok. (and didn't he hope that was the truth) He also let Mary know the fight had taken place at the Clarion and that it was a bit of a mess as a result. He spotted the boy who ran errands for Ezra and asked him to bring bath water for the tub. Figuring he'd given Nathan enough time, he headed back to the clinic.

Buck entered the clinic. Ezra was getting dressed; again. Buck spoke to Nathan for a minute and tucked away the small jars he was given. By this time Ezra was ready to leave.

They made their way on up and into Ezra's room. Ezra was surprised at the sight of his tub filled to just the right height with water. He looked at Buck and simply said. "Thanks."

"Umm Ezra, there's nothing I know to say that'll fix what you're feeling, but Nathan did give me something that will ease things in your bath. May I?" Buck said as he took the jars out.

"Yes, and Mr. Wilmington - aw hell I don't know what to say either." Ezra said as he sat down on the side of his bed.

"Ezra, if you need someone to talk to, need anything, all you have to do is ask."

"Thank you again Mr. Wilmington."

"Buck, please?" He asked as he put into the water what was in the jars. Just as Nathan had said, the aroma was soothing, yet it was different from what Ezra usually smelled like after he'd bathed. Ezra might associate the smell with what happened to him today, but that had to be better than using what he usually did and having to remember each time he bathed.

"Buck." Ezra conceded. His stomach rumbled.

"Do ya want me to bring up some food?"

"No, I think I'll eat downstairs, but if you could see what the evening's repast shall be I shall be most appreciative."

"Sure Ezra, I'll be up in a bit."

As soon as Buck was out the door he heard Ezra secure it. He felt for the key he'd borrowed one time Ezra was sick. When he tried to return it Ezra had said that perhaps he should keep in case of emergency. He palmed it, feeling the cool metal grow warm at his touch. If only it would as simple with Ezra. Ezra had said he wasn't hurt. How did he know? Had he had a male lover? And damn wasn't that a strange thought? He found out what was for dinner and made his way back to Ezra's room to let him know.

Chris and Vin got into town and made their way to the stables. He was commenting to Vin that it seemed like there had been a quiet day in the town only to receive a fit of giggles in reply. The giggles weren't from Vin, but from the stable boy in a nearby stall. His giggles stopped as soon as his eyes met the glare in Chris'. "Something happen here today?"

Chris received a reply that consisted of a big man, Mary, Ezra, Buck, and Nathan. It ended with the big man having a knife in his chest and being taken to the undertakers. Chris thanked the boy and asked him to look after the horses. Chris ran his hands over his face after he and Vin started on their way to Inez'.

"Hell of a story there cowboy."

"Yep."

They made their way into Inez' and spotted Nathan, Buck and Ezra. They arrived in time to hear Ezra say in a voice that was quite put out. "You will stop coddling me this instant, Mr. Jackson! I may have been injured but I am not unable to take care of myself."

"I'm sorry Ezra. I was just trying to help, but I don't seem to be getting it right." Ezra sighed. He knew their healer was helping as best he could.

"I know. I'm sorry as well. I appreciate all you've done for me. The items you sent over with Buck have eased my aches considerably."

"Speaking of aches." The three at the table looked up to see Chris and Vin standing before them. Buck saw Ezra pale a little. Buck invited Chris and Vin to join them and then keeping true to his promise, wove a tale of truth that hid as best as he could the horror of the day. Chris knew he hadn't gotten the whole story. He'd let it be. For now.

They finished eating and played a few hands of poker into the night. Vin took notice that they were using a different playing deck than usual. Ezra paled a little, before straightening in his chair and then calmly stating that he thought a different deck might prove kinder to his friends' luck than his old one had.

Later that evening, a small brawl broke out. The regular patrons left hastily as they saw the regulators faces. Getting caught in the melee was something only the drunk or foolish did. Inez was making her way to the back when she was grabbed from behind. Ezra flashed back and froze. Vin tackled the guy who was in the process of swinging Ezra around to deck him. Chris, Nathan, and Buck saw what had happened.

Chris told Vin to clear the last one out then he grabbed Ezra by the shirtfront, hauling him close so there would be no mistake of how he felt about Ezra's freezing like that. Vin put the guy out and turned back in time to see Nathan going low and taking Chris' feet out from under him, and Ezra pale as a virgin snow turning towards the back . Nathan told Buck, who looked concerned and mad as hell, to go after Ezra. He'd talk to Chris. Buck looked like he was about to say something when Nathan said he'd do what was best for Ezra. Buck nodded and took off out the back door as well. Nathan told Vin to see that no one came in. Then he hauled Chris up, holding onto his arm and simply said. "Sit. We got some talkin to do."

Neither Vin nor Chris had ever seen their healer like this. Chris hadn't fought so Vin hadn't interfered . Chris nodded his assent. Vin took his place outside the door, curious as hell, but smart enough to leave it alone. If Chris thought it needed tellin he'd tell.

"All right Nathan, I'm listening."

"This don't need to go past us." Nathan glanced Vin's way.

"I'll decide where it needs to go. We depend on Ezra to help cover our backs and if something has happened that's gonna make him freeze instead of doin it I want to know."

"Eli Riker, the man who I killed earlier, did more then just hurt Ezra."

"I know. He robbed and knocked out Mary Travis." Chris wasn't getting this.

"Ya know when a man's been ta war, sometimes he sees things so bad that when he goes home he still sees them." Chris nodded. "They show up in his dreams and sometimes when he's awake too." Chris nodded again.

"But what does that have to do with Ezra?"

"Riker did more `n jest beat Ezra up. He, he used him."

"Used him? Raped him." Chris swallowed goin pale himself as what those words meant sunk in.

"Yeah, and took a try at takin his life if the bruises circling Ezra's neck are ta go by."

"He wasn't.. He is going..Hell Nathan will he heal?"

"I s'pose. He made me and Buck promise not to tell. I told him I'd do what was good for his health. Tellin ya is better than ya goin after him for answers. But don't hold back on something or try to help when ya usually don't. He's feelin mighty angry towards any kind a coddlin."

Chris nodded. Vin came back in and they righted a few things so Inez would have it easier in the morning. Then they headed out into the night. Nathan made his way to his place. Chris decided to stay at the jail. Vin gave him a questioning look.

"Leave it pard."

"G'night cowboy."

"Ain't a fuckin thing good with it." Vin heard Chris mumble as he turned away.

Buck saw Ezra nearing the stable. He called out his name to let him know he was coming closer from behind. Ezra turned and Buck saw the emotions that made their way across the younger man's face before his poker face appeared.

"Ezra." Buck again offered the other man his hand. Ezra smiled a little at himself as he once again reached out. They made their way into the barn and sat down on some bales of hay.

"Not tryin to push you Ezra, but you might feel at least a bit better for the tellin. Like I said before I'm willin to listen."

"You want to know?" Ezra seemed to be judging his intent and sincerity. Buck faced him straight on.

"Wouldn't say want. There's a whole mess of things in this world I've never wanted to know and this is most likely gonna be one of them. But I care. We're friends." He gave Ezra's hand the tiniest squeeze. "I've heard tell that sometimes the tellin helps."

Ezra took a deep breath. "I imagine you have heard quite a few things in your life. I'm glad we're friends. Don't no where to start, Inez' or earlier."

"Either."

"Inez."

"All right the brawl broke out and you were fightin, and then what happened?"

"I looked up and saw that one ruffian come up from behind and manhandle Inez and the next thing I knew I was back in the Clarion and could feel Riker's hands on the back of my neck and on my throat. All of a sudden Ah couldn't breath. It was like my lungs didn't work. Mah heart started to beat faster and Ah felt all jittery."

"The bruises on your neck." He saw Ezra raise his free hand to his throat and cursed inwardly.

"Yes. Ah tried at one point to get away. Ah was dizzy from being hit on the head and Ah couldn't open the door fast enough. He came from behind. He grabbed and spun me around. The back of my head banged against the wall next to the door. Then his hands were around my throat. We were sinking down. The darkness was closing in. Death had become very appealing in those moments. But then it was like a part of mahself was screaming inside to live. Ah found mahself praying that if Ah was to die, that it would be quick and soon, and yet begging to live with the hope that if any of you knew, that you wouldn't see me as different as damaged and no longer worthy of your friendship."

Damn but the words tore at Buck. He'd known men in the military who'd lost limbs. They'd been injured. Some people treated them as cripple never getting past the injury. Others saw the person and that while the loss would always be a part of who the person was, had caused the person to adapt, the main part of who the person was, was still there. Ezra had been hurt, the injuries were not so visible but there all the same. Damned if he'd just see the hurt and not the whole of his friend. "You're still you Ezra. You're hurt and need to heal. But you're still my friend."

Grateful to still have that, and believing he'd never have anything more with Buck he said. "Thank you."

They heard thunder in the distance.

"Ezra there's a storm comin in. I want ta keep talkin but unless we get movin' we're gonna find ourselves bunkin in the hay."

"All right." They were approaching the back door to Inez when Ezra remembered Chris and Nathan taking Chris down and stopped right in his tracks. This caused him to pull on Buck's hand, which he hadn't realized he was still holding.

Seeing the fear and insecurity move across Ezra's face, Buck thought he had and idea of what had brought Ezra to a stop.

"It's ok. We can go in the back and then I can see if they're still there."

"Nathan took down Chris." Came the soft shaky whisper which was followed by a flash of lightening and a roar of thunder. Kind of matched what Buck had felt inside at remembering Chris grab Ezra like he had. Seeing the look in Nathan's eyes, he trusted him to take care of Chris, while Buck looked after Ezra. But Chris better learn to keep his hands off of Ezra in the future cause Buck wasn't sure just what he'd do. All he knew was that he felt an intense wave of protectiveness and anger at seeing Chris handling Ezra as he had.

"He sure did."

Ezra saw a gleam of satisfaction in Buck's eyes.

"Buck!"

"Sorry, it's just that I haven't often seen Nathan fight other than with a gun, his knives, or his fists. There are usually too many people around when a brawl breaks out for him to take someone down like he did."

By this time they made their way inside. All was quiet as Buck and Ezra made their way towards the stairs, up and into Ezra's room.

Buck sat on the chair. Ezra removed his shoes and reclined back against the pillows. He glanced at Buck.

"Think Nathan told him?"

"`xpect so. He did promise to do what was good for you."

"And telling our illustrious leader falls within those parameters?"

"If ya meant by those words was it necessary, I `xpect so."

"Ah don't suppose Ah'd have been able to talk to Mr. Larabee as Ah'm speaking with you now. I suppose I should take it as a good sign that he wasn't waiting on me and there were no signs of blood drawn. But will he trust me after this? What will he think when he looks at me?"

"I trust you. He'll trust you too. He saw a lot during the war. He'll be able to see the man you are."

`How can he when I still feel like I' m looking in on myself.' But perhaps, if he wasn't sure of himself, he was at least sure of Buck. For now, that belief would have to be enough for him.

"I'd like to tell you the rest of it. Maybe if I tell my mind won't keep playing it through."

Buck pulled the chair closer. Ezra smiled inwardly and put his hand out before Buck did. Buck slid his hand into Ezra's. He was determined that Ezra would do more than just survive, becoming a body devoid of emotion. He would heal and live and would again have a love for life shining in his eyes. And if Ezra had been strong enough to live through what he did, would be strong enough to survive and heal, then Buck would be strong enough to listen. It didn't matter that it would tear him up inside. Ezra gave Buck's hand a gentle squeeze, and he knew Ezra was ready to talk.

Nathan

Nathan crawled into bed weary in both body and spirit. If he could, he'd kill Riker all over again. This time cutting him up bit by bit, making him beg for death before leaving him to bleed out. Just the memory of those green eyes full of fear when they'd found Ezra, was enough to put fire to the healer's blood. Then he'd examined him. He'd treated the bruises on the neck, the scratches that ran down Ezra's back down towards the crease. Nathan shuddered as he recalled the hand size bruises that bore testament to the fact that there had been no loving act, but cruelty and violence. He felt his stomach heave, and inhaled deeply in hopes of avoiding having to use the chamber pot as he had after Buck left with Ezra. They'd made it through dinner even with the surprise of Chris and Vin showing up as they did.

Then the fight broke out. Ezra had froze, but Vin kept a fist from adding to the man's injuries. Ah, but then Chris decided to lay into Ezra. A quick look at Buck told him all he needed to know about how he was feeling at seeing what was happening. He acted quickly to take Chis' legs out from under him. Buck looked at Chris with anger and then at the doorway Ezra had used with such a deep concern that Nathan quickly assured him that he would handle Chris, freeing his fierce, yet gentle friend to go after Ezra.

He breathed an internal sigh of relief when Chris nodded to Vin, indicating that he should do as Nathan said. It was definitely better than it would have been, if Chris had come up swinging. Nathan's emotions at the days events would have caused him to unleash his anger upon his friend. That would have only added more pain to the day.

Nathan had asked Ezra how he knew that he didn't have any internal injuries. The answer given confirmed Nathan's earlier thoughts that Ezra may have had a male lover in his past. He had no idea how being raped was going to impact that. He had a feeling that Ezra at least had a crush on Buck. If tonight was any indication, then perhaps Buck would eventually be returning those feelings.

Chris just didn't seem to understand at first, but then he did. The look in his eyes spoke to emotions that the realization caused him. Nathan was grateful that what was finally voiced were words asking if Ezra would heal. All he could say was that he supposed. Ezra had something inside him that gave him strength. But then he'd have had to.

Nathan hadn't a clue in figuring his fellow southerner til he met Maude. Then he could see that a lot of what Ezra did and how he acted was like a parlor trick, which made a person look everywhere but at the most important thing. Once Nathan figured out that Ezra himself was the important thing in the game, then he was able to see more parts of who Ezra was inside than he ever would have thought. He found that a lot of those parts would make Ezra a good friend and so keeping the game in mind, he found a way to build a bridge. He was grateful today that he had taken the time to do so, otherwise Ezra may not have been so easily led to be treated.

Nathan drifted off to sleep. His dreams started off pleasantly enough. Soon Mary was there. Buck was fighting Riker. Then he saw Ezra - then Mary outside the Clarion - then Ezra back inside. He woke with a start. What if he'd checked for Ezra inside before he took Mary to Inez'? Could he have stopped Riker sooner? With his heart filled with a feeling of guilt which made him physically ill, he crawled out of bed, making it to the chamber pot just in time.

Chris

Chris lay down on a cot in the rear of the jail. He was still pale. God. Ezra. He'd never imagined such a thing happening to one of his fellow regulators. Couldn't begin to imagine what Ezra must be feeling not just physically, but emotionally as well. Just the thought of it made him uncomfortable. To have to live through it was a whole different thing. He'd seen old soldiers blank sometimes when reminded of something ugly. Knowing now what had happened to Ezra, he figured that must have been what happened earlier. He was further surprised by Buck and Nathan. This was affecting his old friend greatly. He'd seen Buck angry with him in the past, but he'd only seen that look of intense anger and protection in his eyes on one other occasion. In fact, before tonight, he'd have placed a bet with the gambler that he'd never see such a look directed at him. It was the look Buck had in his eyes when they'd come back after Mary and Adam had been killed. Only no one could act to protect them by then. But Buck acted to protect Ezra today. Chris cringed in self recrimination as he thought on how he had grabbed Ezra. Thinking back, he recalled the man's frame shaking and looking like he couldn't get any air in his lungs for all that he started breathing fast. He knew Buck and Ezra, like the rest of them were friends, knew that his friend's feelings ran deep towards JD, whom he considered a kid brother. He hadn't realized Buck's feelings ran as deep towards Ezra. It wasn't a brotherly concern, but what it was exactly Chris hadn't a clue. He planned to never underestimate it though, or next time he might find himself on his ass, just like tonight, put there by their healer no less.

Nathan. Chris knew he could be lethal when needs be, but just like with Buck, Chris had never expected to have Nathan's fighting skills directed at him. The fighter in Chris could find admiration for the move Nathan had used. Vin had asked with an upturned eyebrow whether Chris wanted him to act. Chris decided not; wanting to see what could have riled two of his friends so much. Now he knew. He could see that Vin was curious. Chris wouldn't be telling him. Somehow he felt he owed Ezra that, at least, after tonight. He'd remember Nathan's words about coddling as well.

Vin

Vin lay in his wagon. Part of him was curious. Then he thought about how Chris' face had looked when he had gone back in to help set things right. Chris looked gut punched and pale. Whatever put that look on his face must have had something to do with Ezra. Hell, Chris grabbing Ez , seemed to set both Buck and Nathan off. Buck had told them what happened with Riker. A look between him and Chris was all he needed to know that Chris thought there was more to the story than what they were given. It was most likely something to do with that. But what?

Ezra sighed and Buck rubbed a small circle on his hand. "I'm not sure about this Buck."

" Ezra, so much has happened today."

"It's not just about today Buck."

"What?"

"Did you wonder how I knew I wasn't hurt inside?"

"Well yeah, a bit."

"So did Nathan and I'm hoping you can take what I have to say as well as he did."

"I'll do my best Ezra." And Ezra found himself praying again, that Buck's best would be sufficient to the cause.

"When I was twenty I had a lover, a male lover." He looked at the man next to him for his reaction. Buck gave a small nod of his head and said.

"Thought it might be something like that."

"It, it doesn't bother you?"

"Naw. I've come across it before." As Ezra's raised eyebrow Buck clarified. "Well, not personally. The ladies my Mother worked with would talk sometimes. I remember them sayin it wasn't the body that mattered when it came to love, but the person on the inside. In the time since then the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. Didn't think on it too hard, but I can say that I think I agree with them. Love is love no matter what the bodies are."

'Well thank you dear ladies of the evening.'

" I told Nathan part of it, but there's more that I would like to share with you."

"I'm listening." Buck said giving Ezra's hand a pat. " A number of years ago Riker was at a party that Maude was attending, as were Jason and myself. Maude never saw more than the friendship between Jason and I. That night we had gone to a secluded part of the garden. We were sharing a kiss when Riker came upon us. The next day, he tried to steal a piece of artwork from the home. Jason and I stopped him. He threatened to show me what a man could do to my posterior. Jason died three months later from consumption. I never saw Riker again before today."

"Aww shit Ezra."

"Succinct but true. I was simply strolling. I reached the ally and thought I heard something. By the time I realized what had happened Riker was over Mary's body with a knife aimed straight at her heart. He saw me and knew he had the advantage. The weight of his body was poised so that if I shot him, it would drive the knife into Mary. He threatened to start carving on her if I did not come closer and disarm. And so I did. He then had me take off my vest and shirt and kneel facing away from him. He moved quickly from Mary and hit me on the head with the butt of his gun. While it did not render me unconscious, it did make me woozy. Soon we were inside the Clarion and he was ripping at my pants. That was when I tried to get away. After he was done banging my head against the floor as he choked me, he secured my hands with my belt. It was then that he raped me. Then it was over. He said he wasn't going to kill me so that I would have to live with the humiliation of anyone who found me seeing me like that and knowing what must have happened. I had worked the belt off. Then Nathan was there and you."

"Ezra I want to say something, but nothing I think of seems right. Just know that I care."

"I understand. Sometimes words are insufficient." Ezra nodded with a wan smile across his face. He must have been exhausted as his eyes closed. Buck decided to stay and watch over his friend. Soon he could tell that Ezra was in the middle of a nightmare. At first it seemed to be about Riker, then it changed. The man on the bed was saying that he wanted to love again but that no one wanted him. Why couldn't he have love? He sat up more asleep than awake. Buck reassured him as best he could that he would love and be loved again someday. Ezra settled back and said in his sleep filled voiceas he once again drifted off. "I love you Buck if only..."

`I love you Buck if only...' Those words had gone straight to his heart.

Well hell. He had even more to think on while he kept watch over Ezra.

Buck sat back a little. He took a deep breath and tried to relax his body and calm his thoughts. Ezra had feelings for him. Should he just be Ezra's friend? That thought left him feeling uncomfortable. Could he return Ezra's feelings? That was definitely a more comfortable thought. And what about the physical part? He could picture it. But unbidden came the picture of Ezra as they had found him today. How long would it be til Ezra would be ready for anything physical, let alone making love?

Buck had never known anger such as he felt today. When Riker was talking about Ezra's ass, Buck felt the need to pound the man until there was nothing left. The only reason he started to walk away to begin with was the need to see Ezra. Who'd a thought the man could still pull a knife. But Nathan had pulled his as well. Then they found Ezra.

Buck could still remember the fear in Ezra's eyes. His body was compact, the muscles tone, the skin marred though. There were cuts, scratches and bruises. He'd gotten all skittish when Nathan went to approach him. Buck just crouched down and extended a hand, letting Ezra make the choice of whether or not to reach out. And he did.

Buck felt a need to be doing something, so he let Mary and Inez know what had happened, sort of. Then he saw to it that Ezra would have a nice bath. It wasn't to undo anything, hell no one could do that. But Ezra seemed to welcome the gesture. Though he moved a little stiffly going to dinner, being able to clean up and put on fresh clothes seemed to help. It was as though Ezra had attired himself in his own personal armor.

Things were going just fine, well as well as they could given the events of the day, then Vin and Chris arrived. Buck saw the small gesture that let him know that both men knew they hadn't gotten the whole story. Damned if he cared about that. Just seeing Ezra's color come back after going pale was all he needed to know he'd gotten it right. Then came that damn brawl.

Buck saw Ezra freeze. Just as he was going to help Ezra, Vin beat him to it. Good thing he s'posed being as the need to pound was rising to the surface again. All that got taken care of then Chris went and dared to grab Ezra like that. Granted at that point he didn't know what he probably knew now, but he knew Ezra had been hurt earlier. Where were the man's brains? Then Nathan took Chris down. Ezra lit out and Buck was torn between pounding Chris or going after Ez . He trusted Nathan to take care of Chris and then made his way out to Ezra. He called out, not wanting to startle him.

God the things Ezra had told him earlier and just now. Buck knew Ezra was stronger than he let on. But would he be strong enough to love and be loved in turn, emotionally, physically? That thought left Buck wondering again on his own feelings. What was it that he felt for Ezra? He thought back on the days events and the feelings that accompanied them. Riker - outrage, intense anger, a need to kill, Finding Ezra-shock, a need to protect and comfort, Chris grabbing Ezra, a need to pound on his friend.

Now that was kind of telling. He and Chris had been friends for so many years. But in the moment that Chris grabbed Ezra he became the enemy. He was sure Chris had seen the look in his eyes. He'd seen the silent observance along with a bit of bewilderment in Chris' own. Buck felt a bit of a smile ghost across his face. Don't guess Chris ever expected such a reaction from Buck. But Chris was hurting Ezra and that was what mattered. Surely Chris ought to understand. Buck's look probably matched Chris' when it had come to those who hurt Sarah and Adam. Course they were family and Chris loved them.

Looking at Ezra, Buck thought about that for a moment. Could it be that he was already falling for Ezra and just hadn't seen it for what it was? He hadn't known Ezra on those past occasions he'd given thought to two men laying together. But if you left all that out, could what he was feeling be love? He took in the sight of Ezra resting on the bed. He looked handsome and attractive and those lips looked pretty kissable. Buck reached out with a gentle touch so as not to disturb the man sleeping on the bed, and moved a stray lock of hair. `Yep, it just may be love at that.' Then with a tender feeling in his heart he sat back in the chair. There were still a few more hours till mornings light.

Josiah and JD came back a couple of days later. Over the course of a week they both noticed something was off with their friends. Vin told them what had happened as far as he knew. But things were still strange. Buck and Ezra seemed to spend more time together. Chris was looking at Buck and Nathan with something akin to a new found respect, though in Nathan's case there was also a hint of worry. And Nathan - well now he was acting the strangest. Whenever Ezra would come into a room that Nathan was in the man would look sick, and then he would leave soon afterward. If it was something like dinner he would stay, but would become almost nonverbal. It didn't look like he was too well rested either. There was a tension there from an unknown source that seemed to be getting stronger. And now Ezra seemed to look sad each time he saw Nathan.

Then they caught Jake Perkins trying to rob the bank. He was settled in a cell with JD on watch. He had to be escorted to Cedar Creek. It was about a week each way out and back. Ezra spoke with Buck and then offered for the two of them to go. Chris thought it might be a good thing. Nathan's behavior was having a toll on Ezra. Maybe being out of town would be good for Ezra. It would give Chris a chance to corner Nathan about what was bothering him. He'd seen Nathan come out of the church. He was always there when Josiah was occupied somewhere else. So he'd have to see that Josiah was kept busy. He could do that. With a small shake of his head he thought that perhaps if they were both kneeling then neither would end up on his ass.

JD and Vin were moving Perkins out of the jail when the man took notice of the wanted posters. He mentioned this name and that and then he spotted one for Riker and a visible shiver went up his spine as the man stood still. JD asked what had made him act that way. He told them that he'd heard of Riker and what he was known to do to his victims. That firmed up Vin's suspicions a mite. JD, well it got him to thinking and he remembered seeing information on Riker and just what it was that the information said he did to his victims. They took him out to Buck and Ezra and saw them leave.

Later Chris got Josiah to keep watch at the jail. Not long after, Nathan made his way to the church. Vin and JD were making rounds.

Chris had gotten there in time to hear Nathan saying that it was his fault and that he could no longer sleep because of the dreams.

"What dreams Nathan?" Nathan was startled by Chris' voice and he made to get up.

"Oh no, we can do this kneeling or sitting, but not standing." Chris said and gave Nathan a small smile. Nathan looked towards the exit and Chris said. "Something is eating at you. It's affecting Ezra and Buck from what I can tell. We all depend on each other too much for me to just let this go. So out with it." Nathan sat down on a nearby bench, Chris followed.

"It's my fault Ezra was raped."

Josiah had forgotten something he wished to look at and so headed back to the church. He was just in time to hear what Nathan said and it stopped him from moving forward.

"And how is that?" Chris asked patiently. He knew with Nathan's present state of mind that simply telling him it wasn't his fault wouldn't be believed. The other man was pretty well buried in self inflicted guilt.

"When I found Mary I also found Ezra's shirt, his vest, and his guns. I took Mary to Inez. If I'd have looked, I could have stopped Riker."

"You got Mary to safety."

"For all the good that did Ezra."

It was then that Josiah stepped in, causing Chris and Nathan to notice their audience.

"Brothers, if I may." Josiah came and sat down on the other side of Nathan.

"Nathan, when you found Mary did you know where Ezra was?"

"No."

"Did Mary need help?"

"Yes."

"Nathan, you had no way of knowing whether the person who hurt Mary was still near. He could have been gone. He could have been in any of the nearby buildings. Can't you see that? You can't see through walls."

"I know what you're saying Josiah, I just feel bad."

"Is that why you've been acting how you been around Ezra?"

"Yeah, I guess. But what if he knew I was that close?"

Chris spoke again. "He did. Buck told me he knew it was you who got Mary to safety. Ezra was glad that Riker didn't get another chance to hurt her. It was also already too late. What do you think it would have done to Ezra to have Mary see him, to have her know?"

"I never thought of that. Couldn't see past the nightmares."

"Are they still plaguing you brother?"

"Yeah, some."

"Why don't you spend the next few nights in the spare room here. That way if you have a nightmare, you can wake me up and we can talk. Oh, and Nathan, if you don't wake me when you need to, you'll soon find me keeping watch when you sleep."

"Thanks, Josiah. You too Chris. I' sorry about the other day, taking you down. It's just that I saw the look on Buck's face, and I had to do something quick."

"I understand. I've only seen Buck that angry once."

"When you lost Sarah and Adam?" Josiah asked.

"Yeah. Even then I never saw such a look on his face."

"He has strong feelings when it comes to us, brother."

"I suppose. I'll be going."

On his way to the jail he noticed JD and Vin talking. They didn't see him as they stopped for a moment.

"I've never seen such a look on Buck's face. Don't think Chris did either."

"But surely Chris knows how Buck feels what with losing Sarah and Adam."

"Yeah, but they were Chris' family. He loved them."

"Vin, I think Buck's got feelings like that for Ezra."

Thinking back on things, Vin nodded his head in agreement. "You could be right at that."

They continued on. Chris stood stunned. Then he made his way to the jail, found a glass and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He poured himself a shot and downed it. Events of the past week made their way through his mind; Buck's story of what had happened, his attentiveness towards Ezra, the look on his face when Chris grabbed Ezra, and recently the glares he was throwing Nathan's way when Ezra seemed to shrink in on himself at Nathan's silence or his leaving. Could be there was something to what the kid said. If something like that had happened to Sarah and then someone grabbed her as he did Ezra there would have been more than hell to pay. The kind of more he saw embedded within Buck's eyes in the moments after he grabbed the gambler. Buck and Ezra. It wouldn't be easy, especially now. But then he'd never known Buck to do anything the easy way. Why should his friend change now?

Vin and JD saw Ezra and Buck off. They saddled up and headed out on patrol. Vin was lost in his thoughts, so much so that he didn't take notice of JD's silence until they were half way back.

"JD?"

"Hmm."

"You've been quiet."

"Been thinking."

Could JD be thinking, wondering the same thing Vin was?

"'Bout what?"

"Ezra." With that Vin caught a glimpse of the emotion and the intelligence that lay within JD's eyes. The emotion in the eyes led Vin to believe that JD had put the pieces together and come up with the same picture that Vin had about what happened to Ezra at Riker's hands.

"Can I tell you something and have it stay between us Vin?"

"Yeah, pard."

"When Perkins was talking about Riker, I remembered seeing information about what Riker did to his victims." Vin gave a slight nod. "He raped them Vin. And I'm thinking he did the same to Ezra."

"Think you may be right." They talked some more each expressing the hope that Ezra would be all right.

By this time they were unsaddling their horses. On their way to Inez' they continued their talk.

"Vin, how do you feel about two men being together like a man and a woman?"

"Hell of a question there."

"I know." JD seemed to draw in on himself. Vin knew he wanted to talk. He hadn't meant to cut him off. He could use someone to talk to about all this as well.

"Love comes in all forms kid."

"I think so too." They talked for a while more about Ezra and Buck, and what happened at Inez'.

"I've never seen such a look on Buck's face. Don't think Chris did either."

"But surely Chris knows how Buck feels what with losing Sarah and Adam."

"Yeah, but they were Chris' family. He loved them."

"Vin, I think Buck's got feelings like that for Ezra."

Thinking back on things, Vin nodded his head in agreement. "You could be right at that." They continued on and Vin asked.

"That why you asked what you did earlier?"

"Yeah, after everything Ezra's been through, I don't want him to feel bad or feel that he has to chose between us and Buck, if he's got the feelings too."

"Won't have to worry `bout me."

"Me either. I think they both know to be careful where other folk are concerned. But if they get together, they ought to be free to show it, even if it's just around us."

"Always knew you were a smart one."

"Yeah, well life teaches you all kinds of lessons. Just cause something doesn't meet with society's approval, doesn't mean it's bad, just different you know."

"I know kid. Food?"

"Food."

As they may their way to eat, Vin wondered how often being born a bastard had made their youngest feel that society didn't approve, and just what lessons that had earned him in his short life. Damn cruel people.

The journey to Cedar Creek was an easy one so far. They would be arriving in the middle of the morning tomorrow. Ezra had the watch for a bit yet then it would be morning. Perkins hadn't caused them any trouble. But then, few would given Buck's little `you're wanted alive and if ya behave yourself that's how we'll get ya there.' He'd made sure Perkins had gotten a good look at his guns while talking. That had to have left very little doubt as to what would happen if Perkins failed to behave himself.

Ezra leaned back against the tree behind him. The moon was half full. It was a clear night with an abundance of stars. Perkins was sleeping. So was Buck. He looked adorably handsome. Ezra sighed. His cuts had begun to heal. His bruises were still nasty ugly colors, but the were fading as well. He felt a soft breeze caress his face.

He wasn't sure just how many of the seven knew. Josiah and JD hadn't been in town. JD was smart though. Sometimes the others would forget that in the face of his youth, but not Ezra. He had a feeling JD thought there was more to the story. He was curious enough to dig.

Josiah had noticed Nathan's behavior of late. Would he call the other man on it? How would he treat Ezra if he knew?

There was no question that Vin suspected something more went on than what he was told. Ezra hadn't missed the silent exchange between him and Chris. He could be patient and persistent when pursuing something.

Chris definitely knew. Thankfully, he hadn't treated Ezra any different. Though, he did seem more apt to ask after him. Ezra didn't mind as he could see that the concern was genuine, not forced, or being offered in a patronizing manner.

Nathan was the one he couldn't figure out; the one who made him sad. The man had been so kind, so caring at first. Now it was as if just the sight of Ezra made him angry and ill. Now that he had time to think, did he find Ezra to be disgusting? And if so was it because of the rape, or the fact that Ezra admitted to having a relationship of an intimate nature with a man. All Ezra knew was that it seemed like the friendship he thought he had, no longer seemed to be built on sturdy ground. It now seemed to be on sand that was fast blowing away in a windstorm that was just getting stronger. It hurt, more than he could express and he didn't know just what to do about it. Looking at Buck, he wondered if the man was willing to help with this problem. Ezra could usually think, and handle his own problems, but he was finding with Buck, that it was nice to have someone to lean on. Buck didn't try to take the burden away from Ezra, but to help him to handle it himself. This gave him a sense that he was in control, which was something he needed as he worked on getting the distorted view of himself back into focus. When Ezra jumped the one time Buck approached him from behind, Buck had felt so bad. Ezra confessed that he was afraid of it continuing to happen. That's when Buck got a thinking look on his face and said he had an idea. They went up to Ezra's room and stood in front of the long mirror. He told Ezra to look at the two of them as he came up behind him. Then he raised his hand so Ezra could see it coming toward the back of his shoulder. Ezra didn't jump. Then eventually Buck asked Ezra to close his eyes, then he walked away from him and back towards him. Then outside his room at different times Buck came up behind Ezra, catching his eye first in a mirror if he could, simply saying Ez if he couldn't. It had helped. Now he was less likely to be startled if any of the seven came up behind him. He never was when it was Buck. Perhaps on the way back he would talk to Buck about Nathan and see if the man saw something Ezra might be missing.

Buck stretched and Ezra enjoyed the view of the muscles rippling under the clothing. Next the blue eyes opened and quickly scanned the surrounding area before coming to rest on Ezra. Buck offered a smile which made him look even more adorable with his disheveled hair and twinkling eyes. Soon he rose and got himself ready for the day. As he was pouring his coffee, Perkins woke up. Soon they were on their way.

They made good time. They handed Perkins over to Sheriff Carver by 11 A.M. and then headed to the hotel for something to eat.

Ezra was quiet and Buck could see he was thinking. Then Mr. Whiteash came in. He was in charge of the local paper, and he reeked of the smell of fresh newsprint. Buck saw Ezra growing almost green in color. He got him out the diner and around the corner just in time. No one else was witness to Ezra's victuals making a reappearance. As soon as Ezra's stomach had calmed down, the look on his face went from one who was ill to a mixture of mortification, fear, and frustration.

"Ezra."

"Not now." He answered, a pleading look in the eyes directed at Buck.

"All right. Here, wash your mouth out with some water from my canteen. Then why don't you get the horses ready and I'll be right back." Ezra had said not now and that was fine, but Buck decided they would be talking about what happened later.

Ezra took the canteen and gave Buck a small nod. Then he got the horses ready. Soon Buck was there and they were on their way out of town.

Buck had gone back into the hotel's diner and gotten some simple dinner rolls. He packaged them up, figuring Ezra would be hungry later and just might be able to keep them down. Then he made his way out the door to where Ezra had the horses ready and they headed out. Every once in a while Ezra would look at him and then look away. Buck knew Ezra was probably nervous, but he didn't want to spend the entire morning's ride with the uncomfortable tension in the air between them.

"Ezra."

"Yes Buck."

"Do we talk now, or do you want to wait til we settle down for lunch?"

"Lunch, please. It will give me a chance to gather my thoughts."

"All right then." Buck said having already decided they would stop early for lunch.

They continued on each a bit more relaxed. After about an hour and a half Buck spotted some large rocks mixed into the edges of the nearby woods. They could spread a blanket out near them and sit back against them as they ate and talked.

They dismounted. Ezra spread the blanket as Buck took out the food. Ezra made to reach for some when Buck said.

"Wait." At Ezra's questioning look he continued. "I was thinking if we talk before you eat.."

"Then I'd be less likely to be ill again."

"Yeah. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Mr. Whiteash entered the hotel's diner and I could smell the paper and the newsprint. It took me back and I could feel Riker behind me again and the floor against my knees. It made me physically ill."

"Aw, Ez ."

"It occurs to me that of late, Mrs. Travis and I have crossed paths from a distance." He noticed Buck's sheepish look and recalled Buck continuing conversations and such when they would see Mrs. Travis nearby, thereby forgoing any chance that they would come into close contact. "Buck?"

"I just thought it might be easier."

"It's ok. I know you meant well." Ezra said patting the back of Buck's hand. "Perhaps in time I can learn not to react so strongly to it."

"Ok." They ate and then as Buck went to gather things up Ezra stopped him.

"Buck, there's something else I was hoping to speak with you about." Buck could tell by the tone and the look in Ezra's eyes that this something was serious. The expression on his face was close to the one he would get when he was around Nathan lately. It was an expression that Buck was fast growing to hate.

Buck sat there and listened as Ezra told him about his fears and insecurities when it came to Nathan. He was wondering if there was something that maybe Buck could see that he couldn't. Buck admitted to not having any ready answers. He asked Ezra to give him time to ponder on it between now and when they stopped for dinner, thinking perhaps he could sort things out. They started on their way again.

They found their way back to the creek they had rested near on the way in. Ezra set things up while Buck caught some fish. They still had a couple of rolls left from earlier. Ezra set up the fire and got some coffee going. He set the bedrolls up closer than they had been on previous trips, hoping that Buck wouldn't mind.

Buck came into camp with a couple of fish. He'd already prepared them for cooking. As he cooked them, he noticed where Ezra had laid out the bedrolls and inwardly approved. He announced that the fish were done. Ezra handed him a plate with one of the remaining dinner rolls and placed a fish on his own. Buck settled with his. When they were done, Ezra went down to the creek and cleaned the dishes.

He came back to see Buck sitting near the fire with two cups of coffee. Ezra sat down next to him and took the offered cup. "Ezra, I've been thinking about what you told me about Nathan."

"And what have you determined?"

"I'm wondering that Nathan might not be feeling guilty."

"Good Lord Buck, why? He helped Mrs. Travis and then came back and killed Riker then tended to me."

"I think it's the part where he came back. Maybe he's thinking he could have helped you sooner if he had never gone."

"But he had no way of knowing where I was."

"I know that and deep down Nathan probably does too. But guilt can play with a man and make him see things. It can tear apart friendships cause it tears at people from the inside til they strike out at those around them." Buck had a look in his eyes that bore witness to the fact that he was speaking about guilty feelings of his own as well as Nathan's.

"Like you and Mr. Larabee?"

"Yeah, like me and Chris. It seems like long ago and yesterday all at the same time." Ezra could hear the deep sadness in Buck's voice.

"If you'd rather not speak of it.."

"It's all right Ezra, can't be tellin you that talkin helps then clamming up myself. When Sarah and Adam died Chris and I did our fair share of blaming ourselves. We both felt so guilty. We tried drinking the guilt away, pushing each other away, even punching each other out. None of it helped. Then one day we were out checking fence lines and the sky opened up. We both made it to a nearby shack. Neither of us had much left in our flasks. It thundered and we both remembered how Sarah would jump when it surprised her and how Adam would look at the lightening in wonder. We looked at each other and then started to talk. The storm was a long one. We talked all the while, bout how we were both feeling guilty and why. Somehow during that talk the guilt eased. We found ourselves sharing stories, laughing and crying. By the time the storm passed, we were both feeling a lot lighter."

"You think I should speak with Nathan?"

"Yeah, I do. I might be wrong bout what's bothering him, but I don't think so. There's only one way to find out for sure."

"I will speak with Nathan upon our return." Soon they each bedded down for the night.

Later that night Buck opened his eyes. Ezra's voice came through his sleep fogged mind. It was distressed. He looked over to see the gambler, thrashing in his bedroll. From the words he could make out, it sounded like Ezra was begging Nathan not to feel guilty. Damn. Best wake him up.

Buck lay down next to Ezra and gently ran his hand up and down Ezra's arm as he said his name. Ezra's head came up and he looked around, quickly spotting Buck and just where Buck was in relation to himself.

"Nightmare?"

"Yes, Ah think so." Bucks hand was still on Ezra's arm. It felt nice. "Could you..." Ezra shook his head as if telling himself no while silently wrapping his arms around his middle, in effect holding himself. Reaching over, Buck snatched up his blankets. Then he settled them right next to Ezra's, saying this way he'd be close. Then he made a show of settling down.

"You know neither of these makes a good pillow."

"You are quite right in your assessment Buck." Ezra had seen a small twinkle in Buck's eyes and wondered what the man was up to.

"I was thinking if we added yours to mine, it would be more comfortable." 'Ah, so that was it."

"And where would I rest my head then sir?" He could see a small blush growing on Buck's face.

"You could use my shoulder, if you're of a mind to." "Are you sure?"

"Yeah Ezra, I am."

Thinking this would bring him so close, yet believing so much would still be out of reach Ezra hesitated. Buck noticed and remembered the dream where Ezra wished he could be loved.

"Ezra, tell me if I'm wrong and I won't say another word on it. I have feelings for you and I'm thinking you may have feelings for me to."

"Of course I have feelings, we are friends after all."

"Not those kind of feelings."

"Not.. What?"

"These." Buck said slowly ghosting a finger down the side of Ezra's cheek , then down his arm, taking the hand and holding it while he caressed the back with his thumb.

"Buck, how did you know?"

"You talked in your dream that night in your room."

"Buck I do have feelings for you but I don't know."

"We could take things slow Ezra. You've been hurt. I, well I've never been with a man. We could take things a bit at a time and see what we could build."

"I'd like that. Is the offer of your shoulder still available?"

"Yep."

Ezra handed Buck his makeshift pillow to add to his own. He then lay down next to Buck, fitting comfortably along his side. He rested his head on Buck's shoulder and his hand on top of Buck's on his chest. They were caressed by the lightest of breezes as their eyes drifted shut.

Ezra woke in the warm embrace of Buck's arms. He opened his eyes and raised his head just slightly to peer at Buck's sleeping countenance. His face was relaxed, his lips soft and red, and his eyelashes rested softly against his cheeks. Ezra could feel the beating of Buck's heart underneath the hand which rested on the chest below. He wished for a moment that they could stay like this if not forever, at least for a while. He felt comfortable and cared for, glad for the fact that it was all genuine. Buck's lids fluttered opened and Ezra felt the play of Buck's muscles as he stretched out. Then his gaze fell on Ezra, followed immediately by his smile.

They shared a kiss before rising slowly. They each found a bit of privacy to take care of the mornings' necessities and then got ready for the day. They ate and were soon on their way again.

They fell into a pattern over the next few days. They would rise, breakfast, and ride in the morning. They would talk about different things, including their hopes and dreams during lunch. They would ride for a while again, till a spot could be found where they could rest for the night, without the likelihood of being discovered in each other's arms being too great. Buck would catch and clean their evening meal. Ezra would cook and then clean up and they would bed down for the night.

They would snuggle under the stars and share more private dreams. A kiss goodnight would be shared before they drifted off to sleep. Each morning would find them a little more tangled around each other. Each morning's kiss lingered a bit longer as the physical awareness of each other grew.

Buck had used the time to catch dinner the past few nights, to ease the hunger rolling in the pit of his stomach, so he'd feel a little less like pouncing on his friend. Ezra's image riding, swallowing, sleeping, and waking would take shape in his mind as he stroked himself.

Ezra used the privacy Buck afforded him in the morning and when he cleaned up from the evening's meal to attend to the effect his desire for Buck was wreaking upon his body.

As he held himself, he knew within minutes of resting in Buck's arms he would be hard again. He knew Buck was new to this kind of loving. He himself wasn't ready to take or be taken by Buck. But perhaps, Buck might be ready for other intimacies, and if so tomorrow's kiss would be that of a lover. Ezra tucked himself back in and freshened up a bit then headed back to camp.

They were a couple of nights from home. They bedded down on a patch of grass amidst some trees near a creek. The night sky hinted at the possibility of a storm following in their wake.

Ezra situated himself so that he was a bit more on top of Buck than usual. He reached with his hand to caress a cheek and run his finger along Buck's lips, top and bottom. He could see the Buck's eyes dilate with desire and he leaned forward to capture those red lips. He sought entrance to the warm mouth below his with a nipping and licking of the luscious lips he was kissing. Once entrance was gained he let his hands roam along Buck's shoulders. After a bit he pulled back from the kiss, and found the breath to say.

"Ah want to touch you. May Ah?" Buck looked into those green eyes and simply said.

"Yes."

"Ah want you to touch me too."

"Ezra, you sure `bout this?" Ezra bent and kissed and sucked on Buck's neck below his ear til the other man was moaning. Then Buck heard a low and throaty whispered.

"Ah'm more than sure."

During hungry explorations, shirts were opened, exposing skin to touch and be touched. Buck's hands roamed along Ezra's back, enjoying the feel of the soft skin that ran from the backs of Ezra's shoulders to the hollow of his back. Ezra meanwhile, was enjoying the different textures of Buck's chest and stomach. He was awash in a sensual feast of touch. The smooth skin over muscle, the matt of downy hair, the nipples which hardened and the surrounding areolae which puckered at his touch all combined to heighten Ezra's arousal. He could feel Buck trying to keep his hips from thrusting upward. It was time. He pulled back and a little away from Buck. Buck could see him undoing his pants.

"Ezra?" came the hoarse whisper.

"Sh. It's ok. May Ah?" Ezra asked as he ran a hand over Buck's hardened penis. Buck drew a ragged breath as he nodded yes. Soon they were both wearing just their shirts. Any nervousness he might have felt was gone with the warmth of Ezra's hand as his fingers traveled the veins from the bottom to the top of his penis, slowly spreading the moisture at the slit with his thumb. He bent his head and kissed Buck above his belly button and then straddled him, and lined himself up with Buck as he lowered himself, before thrusting ever so slowly. Buck reached up to snare Ezra's mouth in a heartfelt kiss. Then he answered the thrust of Ezra's hips with his own. Though neither cried out too loudly, they each heard their name tumbled forth from swollen lips, before all else slipped away with the sound of their voices carried on the winds of the night.

Buck and Ezra awoke and made their way to the creek to wash before eating. They stood naked before each other as the sun's morning light rose to warm the day.

As they cleared breakfast they could see more clouds moving in and they quickly packed up and began the day's travels.

That afternoon the sky darkened considerably. They both knew they would they wouldn't see Four Corners til the next day. They came across a couple of small buildings.

They put the horses up in what passed for a barn. Then they gathered the wood available from the bin and started a fire to warm up what appeared to be a one room home. The place consisted of the fireplace, a small table with a couple of chairs, and a bed just big enough for two along the wall.

They ate and cleaned up as the rain beat against the building. Buck got a far off look in his eyes that had Ezra wondering and so he asked. Buck started to blush as he tried to articulate what he needed to say. He sat down on the edge of the bed with his knees spread out. Ezra crouched down while resting his hands on Buck's thighs. Face turning redder by the moment, Buck managed to get out.

"Last night after we made love, you tasted me."

"Yes I did, and I found you to be quite delicious." He could tell Buck had more to say and decided to let him go at his own pace. He knelt leaning comfortably against Buck's inner thigh, while leaving a hand rest on the other.

"I, I've never thought of wanting to before, but last night when I saw you raise your fingers to your lips and lap at them....it ...I started to think about what it would be like to taste you, and well not just from my fingers."

"Buck, look at me." Ezra said as he knelt up. "I have an idea. If you trust me, we can try."

"I more than trust you Ez , hell I love you."

Touched more than he could say, Ezra reached up and combed his fingers through Buck's hair. Then he leaned in for a kiss. "I love you too."

Soon both men were hot and bothered and quite naked on the bed face to groin. "Touch me like how you like to touch yourself and we'll go from there." Ezra ran his fingers teasingly along the inside of Buck's thigh. He didn't want Buck to imitate him, but to find for himself how this could be. Not that he wouldn't be joining in, he'd just wait on it a moment.

Buck held Ezra's penis in his hands and stroked it with the same pressure he liked to start out with on himself. The tip began to moisten and drool. Buck's tongue passed over it for a taste. Ezra had begun to fondle Buck and he let out a small groan at the feel of Buck's tongue then an even larger one when Buck took more of him into his mouth. Ezra picked that moment to increase his loving on Buck. Soon afterward they were both snoring lightly in each others arms.

The next day the dawn broke clear and they finished their trip into Four Corners. As they rode towards the stables Buck could see the tension growing within Ezra. "You thinking about talking with Nathan?"

"Yes."

"I'll go with you if you like." Ezra gave a smile at the offer.

"Thank you Buck, but I think I'd like to do this on my own."

"Ok, why don't you let me take care of the horses while you talk with Nathan? We can all meet up for lunch then."

"Very well Buck, thank you." He let a small touch to Buck's arm serve in place of a kiss as the stable boy rounded the corner. Buck enlisted his help with the horses. He stole a quick glance towards Ezra's retreating form and then sent up a prayer that all would go well between their healer and the man who was now his heart.

Nathan heard the door opening and looked up to see Ezra entering. He was nervous and relieved all at the same time. After a couple of more nights of nightmares followed by Josiah's stubbornness and wisdom, Nathan had spent a night of peaceful dreaming. He'd gone back to his own bed the next night with the admonishment that should the nightmares return, not to hide it. He had talked a great deal to Josiah those two nights. His feelings of guilt had lessened but not faded completely. He now had an idea of what he wanted to say to Ezra.

Ezra had thought of what Buck had said about why Nathan had been acting as he had. He had an idea of what he wanted to say, but where to start. Both men opened their mouths at the same time.

"Nathan."

"Ezra."

"I'm so sorry Ezra."

"Nathan, there is nothing for you to be sorry for."

"But.."

"No, no buts sir." Then Ezra continued more gently. "Nathan listen to me. It was hard enough to face you and Buck after Riker finished with me, the embarrassment I felt then I still can not begin to describe. You each helped me the best you could. If Mary had seen me like that ..."

They talked and laughed, and even wiped the occasional tear. During their talk, the guilt Nathan was carrying lifted. As for Ezra, the distortion of his own self image had cleared some more, and while it wasn't completely so, he felt more comfortable within himself then he had since before that fateful day. Remembering Buck and lunch, Ezra suggested they head out.

The room in between Buck and Ezra's was at present occupied. Both were leery of trying to visit each other. That night they each slept alone, and each felt more alone than they had in quite some time. Neither slept well that night.

It turned out that the man who had ruined their night was the bearer of news that would make that one night forgivable.

The seven were eating a late breakfast when Mr. Hastings ventured approaching them.

"Excuse me gentlemen, my name is Mr. Hastings and I was hoping to speak with Mr. Standish."

"What do you wish to speak with me about?"

"This is of a private nature sir."

"Very well. If you'll excuse us." With that Ezra stood up and moved a couple of tables away. Mr. Hastings didn't seem to deem this private enough for the information he wished to impart.

"Sir, perhaps somewhere else might be better suited for what I need to tell you."

"Sir, this will suffice or our conversation, such as it is, shall cease."

"Very well sir." Mr. Hastings took a seat as did Ezra.

The others kept an eye on things. They were also keeping an eye on Buck. Ezra and Buck had both looked relaxed and rested when they'd returned. Chris had seen the sad look in Buck's eyes the night before as they drifted regretfully to Ezra's door, before he'd headed up to his own room. One night apart seemed to have drained some of the vibrancy out of both men. Now this Mr. Hastings wished to speak with Ezra alone. Chris was relieved that while Ezra moved over two tables, he didn't leave. They had a measure of privacy. It was just publicly private. This allowed all of them, but especially Buck to keep an eye on things.

He'd seen Buck stiffen when Mr. Hastings first requested privacy. Then he stiffened again when there looked to be a sadness in Ezra's eyes. The conversation seemed to be going well now. Ezra was smiling. Soon papers were signed.

Ezra rejoined the others. He explained to them that Maude had once thought of scheming a neighbor of one his cousin's she had left Ezra with. Mr. Frazier had been a kind man. He was a widow with a daughter. He had let a twelve year old Ezra come and read the books in his library. They played chess, and talked. Ezra would visit him whenever Maude left him with his cousins there. When Ezra was sixteen, he got wind of what Maude was planning to pull on Mr. Frazier. Ezra had found a way to warn him, hoping that Maude would never find out. The man's daughter had since died of consumption and there was no other family. Mr. Hastings was Mr. Frazier's attorney and had been here to inform Ezra of Mr. Frazier's death and his inheritance. It seemed that Mr. Frazier never forgot Ezra or the kindness he had done for him when it came to Maude. He had run into Maude before his death. He had heard her less than supportive thoughts on Ezra's endeavors and dreams. Well he'd be laughing from his eternal rewards when Maude discovered the monies she wished to gain from him all those years ago were now at Ezra's disposal. It was enough for him to pursue and protect his dreams, if they were still the same. If they'd changed then that was fine too.

Ezra had a few ideas of what he wished to do. He asked Buck up to his room so he could talk to him about a few things. They went upstairs and Ezra started talking. Buck heard Ezra out. He was silent at first so he could listen. As the words washed over him the tone of his silence changed. Ezra didn't notice at first. Then he caught a glimpse of Buck's eyes in the mirror. They were sad, and not just sad, but hurt as well. Ezra got scared as he wondered what was putting that look in Buck's eyes.

"Buck?" In a pained whisper Buck answered.

"I don't want to be a kept man." `Aw, Gawd, I never thought.'

"Buck no. I'd never want that. Never do it. This is a way for both of us to realize our dreams."

"Ezra, I have some money stashed away from when I was younger. Never had a need to touch it til now. I trust in us and in our dreams. It's not quite as much as yours but.."

A short while later Ezra was having the devil's own time, shutting up one Buck Wilmington. He'd taken to Ezra's ideas with much enthusiasm once they found a way for him to feel as though he could contribute to their dreams just as much as Ezra.

"Buck, I believe Mr. Hastings has departed these humble lodgings."

"That's nice. I was thinking..."

"Buck!" Ezra said with a bit more force as he tackled the man back onto the bed.

"Ezra?"

"We no longer have a neighbor in the next room. I don't believe that anyone else is presently on this floor but us." Ezra said as he thrust his hips lightly into Buck's. Buck's eyes lit with realization.

"Ezzzra. Oh yeah, do that again love."

"But of course."

As the next few months passed the seven dealt with the usual things which cropped up. Everyone seemed to adjust to the relationship Ezra and Buck now shared.

Ezra and Buck had bought a share of Inez' though it was not public knowledge. Ezra helped with financial matters. Buck helped with the occasional repairs. Inez appreciated the help. To any observer Ezra was being a gentleman in lending his monetary experience. As for Buck, well most people thought the ladies man was just being himself. While it couldn't be said that the two appeared romantic, their friendship did seem closer. If Inez heard an extra bump or moan here and there as she closed, she simply smiled to herself, knowing only the foolish threw such gifts away. They had also converted the rooms upstairs. >From the outside they still looked like three distinct rooms. Inside, there were now connecting doors. The middle room had become a parlor of sorts. They kept just enough in Buck's room to make it appear lived in should someone come by. The majority of nights however were spent in Ezra's bed.

They also purchased a few horses. Chris was letting them stay at his ranch til Buck and Ezra's place was done. Buck had an affinity with horses. He wanted to try breeding them, not just for the profit, but because he truly loved the magnificent creatures. They had bought property adjacent to Chris'. Their home would have three bedrooms, supposedly one for each and a guest room. After their home was complete the others would help them raise a barn.

There was a secluded spring on the property. Ezra and Buck went there to swim, play in the water, and relax from time to time. Ezra decided to treat Buck to a moonlit picnic for his birthday. The night was clear and starlit. The moon bathed the water with its light.

Ezra spread a blanket out on the small bank by the water. Then he emptied the basket of its contents, laying out a small feast in the process. After they ate, they went for a swim, splashing and playing in the water. Buck dove into the water and surfaced near the bank. Ezra inhaled sharply as he saw Buck's upper body glistening with the water that wet his skin. Drawing closer he said.

"If I had a canvass, what a picture I could paint. But then all would see and I am greedy with my treasures, and you are my dearest treasure of all."

Ezra neared Buck and took his hand, leading him back to the blanket. Buck sat down, drawing Ezra onto his lap as he did so. They cuddled and kissed. Ezra played on Buck's body, slowly taking the need for release higher and higher. Buck brought his face up to Ezra's for a deep kiss. While they were kissing, he could feel Ezra's cock slip down and brush along the crack of his ass cheeks. He spread his legs, allowing Ezra more access. Ezra stilled and pulled back to look in his lover's eyes. He saw the desire and love and a hunger for more in Buck's eyes.

"Tell me love. What do you want?"

"You. In me. Please?" Ezra felt his own desire flare at the words and the sight of Buck pulling his legs back in a blatant invitation.

"Oh Gawd, Buck. I love you." Ezra kissed him again soundly, then started teasing his entrance as he nipped and sucked on his chest. Soon his hips were flush against Buck. They found a rhythm. Buck stretched his arms out to the sides and was clenching the blanket with his fists. His back arched and his neck muscles went taught as he came. Ezra thrust twice more before emptying himself into his lover. When he regained enough energy, he kissed the tip of Buck's nose.

"Happy birthday love." Buck had no words to express what he felt. He offered Ezra a smile as he drew his gambler's head down to rest on his chest.

A couple of weeks later Chris, JD and Ezra were called away by the Judge to testify in a bank robbery trial. They had stopped the robbers when they had passed through the neighboring town. Now they were returning to see that the men stayed behind bars.

The rest of the seven saw them off. Vin was good enough to keep watch while Buck kissed Ezra good bye. He looked back in time to see Buck brush his thumb along Ezra's lips as he mumbled something about their softness. He was rewarded with a good swat to the back of his head when he went to say good bye to Ezra himself and said.

"What, I don't get to see how soft your lips are too."

Buck made use of the time to finish his surprise for Ezra. He'd made some furnishings for their bedroom when he and Ezra had taken to riding patrol with other members of the seven during the past couple of months.

Riding with the others had helped Ezra to regain the comradery that they shared as he spent time one on one with the others. As for Buck, it had allowed him to talk with his friends when they patrolled together. He and Nathan had a balance. Vin seemed easy going and ok with Buck and Ezra's relationship. JD was comfortable but curious, and oh the questions. He and Chris had some good talks and he was glad to see his old friend was truly ok with his love for Ezra. He rode least often with Josiah. Things got easier with him after the first time they rode together after Josiah found out about him and Ezra. He never preached about the wickedness of such things. He said in fact, that it took all kinds. He'd also been real sure to make the point that while preachers were good at tending to the souls of the living, they were equally good at burying the dead. Josiah saw that Buck understood and rides with him had been accompanied by lighter conversation topics since then.

Vin, Nathan, and Josiah helped Buck to move and set up the bed, the closet, and the chest. No one said a thing about the design though privately they agreed with each other that it suited the couple.. The only comments made to Buck were as to the beauty of the craftsmanship. The finishing touches were put on the house. Buck decided to spend the night in Ezra's bed at the saloon. When Ezra returned they would spend their first night together in their new home and in their bed.

Chris, JD, and Ezra arrived in Four Corners that afternoon. Ezra and Buck had an early dinner. Buck told Ezra he had a surprise for him out at their house. Ezra figured it must indeed be something special, if Buck's restlessness was any indication. They soon finished and were on their way.

They went inside and Buck lit a light and then asked Ezra to close his eyes. When Ezra did so, Buck took his hand and led him to their bedroom. He opened the door and stood next to Ezra so that he could see his face when Ezra opened his eyes.

"Open those pretty green eyes love."

Ezra opened his eyes and took in their bedroom and their bed. It was covered with one of their favorite quilts. The coverings were folded down, inviting usage while promising warmth. Ezra was drawn to the foot of the bed. He looked up at the headboard. The design was larger than the matching ones of the closet and the chest. The post on either side of the headboard was carved into a rose open in bloom. In the center of the headboard was a carved ace of spades with a long stemmed rose across it. Buck had made these things for him, for them.

"It's beautiful."

Buck and Ezra slowly undressed. They exchanged kisses and caresses as skin was revealed. Ezra wanted very much to feel Buck inside him. As they lay down on the bed, Ezra crawled on top of Buck. He payed special attention to the sensitive spots on Buck's neck and chest. He palmed the small jar off the night table. Then he made his way down Buck's chest until he knelt between the outspread legs. Buck saw the jar and guessed, but was then surprised when he felt Ezra slick him up. Then Ezra moved upwards straddling him. Buck was confused for a second. Then Ezra raised himself up and took hold of Buck's hardness. Buck's eyes widened as he felt himself entering the warmth of Ezra's body. It felt so good and it was so hard not to just rear up. Ezra took him in with slow downward rocking motions til he was completely seated. Then he leaned in for a kiss. When they broke Buck was more than ready to move. He was fighting hard not to. Ezra whispered in a throaty version of his drawl.

"Turn us over. I want to feel the weight of you as we make love."

"Yes, Ezra, yes." Buck rolled them over and then made love slowly and sweetly. He could have cried when he saw the joy in Ezra's eyes as he came.

Ezra snuggled in Buck's embrace. Neither of them ever took from each other, however they made love, whenever they made love, the giving was real. Ezra sighed feeling loved and content. Then he scooted back into the warmth of the man behind him. He felt Buck's chest along his back, the strong legs against the back of his own, and Buck's penis nestled and warm in the curve of his ass. He brought his hand up to rest on the one draped over his hips, above his belly. He interlaced their fingers and caressed Buck's hand in answer to the soft kiss that ghosted across the back of his neck. Then they both drifted off to sleep.

The End