Breaking

by BlueKat
http://www27.brinkster.com/bluekat


It wasn't the rain that washed away
Rinsed out the colours of your eyes
Putting the gun down on the bedside table
I must have realized

Everything is made of glass. Cold, hard and smooth glass that covers the world around us. And somewhere in the dark, somewhere in the depth of a corner...somewhere the glass has started breaking.

I don't know when he started to get suspicious, but by now the worry is more than evident. The others don't think anything's wrong yet, but it will come, I'm sure of that. And Josiah is the one I thought would first see it anyway.

Everything is going to break, for a second I envision our reality shatter into razorsharp splinters. Hurting us, cutting us. Digging in so deeply that we'll never be whole again.

It wasn't the rain
That made no difference
And I could have sworn it wasn't me
Yet I did it all so coldly
...almost slowly
Plain for all to see

"Please don't tell them."

The gentle voice carries more emotion than I've ever known from him. Green eyes have taken on a brighter shine and for the first time I can see fear in the depths. Not fear because of retribution, but fear of what he'll lose. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around that, or maybe I don't want to. Instead my hand moves of its own violation and touches his cheek.

How did it come to this? When did I let go? Taking the step over should be scaring, but somehow I feel... Relief. Because I knew it'd come to this. I knew this day would eventually be here. I didn't know what I would do though. I still don't. I'm lost. I think I've been inside this too long, something that is spinning around us, obscuring the rest of the world.

Oh c'mon please now
Talk to me
Tell me; things I could find helpful
How can I stop now
Is there nothing I can do
I have lost my way
I've been losing you

"I..."

I should not be listening, I should be on my way to talk to Josiah this very moment. To tell him the truth and get them both help. But I'm not. I'm still standing here. Something has started breaking in me too. And something that was released from somewhere in the deep darkness of me is growing in my head. I feel like I'm standing behind a thick glass wall, watching someone else wearing my skin. My hand is still on his face, caressing and stroking, my fingers mapping out the features that are forever imprinted in my mind, my fantasies.

"Please, Vin... I'll do anything."

His voice comes to me like through a haze, a slither of cold dances through my mind and lightens my thoughts in clarity for a second. But I can't stop myself, stop this other person that I've seemed to become. The worst thing is that I knew from the beginning. Knew that he would do anything to keep the truth from coming out, keep the one that he still loves.

Even betray him.

I can still hear our screams competing
You're hissing your s's like a snake
Now in the mirror stands
Half a man
I thought no one could break

The silence is absolute. We're locked together in a frozen moment. From the other side of the glass wall I have closed my eyes and turned away. On this side my thumb is slowly drawing the outline of his lips, following the curve of his bottom lip. He stays perfectly still. This has to be a dream.

A sound comes crashing into our world, and I jump before I realise that it's only the elevator nearing our floor. Everyday life seeps into and fill the space around us. And I can't take back what has happened. I'm not sure if I want to.

He won't be mine. Not fully. But I can still go on pretending this way. A small, dreamy voice inside insist that maybe, just maybe, he'll come around... That he will love me back. Maybe.

A clearer part of me makes promises of pain and hurt, to me and the ones around me. I let it sting me, burn a mark into my heart so I won't forget it. Still I can not stop.

It wasn't the rain
That made no difference
...nervously drumming on: run away
But I want the guilt to get me
Thoughts to wreck me
Preying on my mind

I lay beside him in the bed, in a quiet, dark night. Having if not his heart, then his body. We don't speak because there are no words for us now. Something inside of me is restlessly trying to push its way free. It doesn't matter anymore. It's out of my hands. Somehow I find the thought comforting.

I lean over to place a kiss on his warm lips and pretend that the saltyness I taste doesn't come from tears. Laying back down I stare at the ceiling.

So, please now
Talk to me
Tell me; things I could find helpful
For how can I stop now
Is there nothing I can do
I have lost my way
I've been losing you

And around us the glass is still breaking.

The End

(Lyrics: I've Been Losing You, written by A-Ha)


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