Turn down the light, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronize, don't patronize me

Sometimes I wonder what it is that binds them together like this. A union in hurt, pain and blood. Oh they were drawn to each other at first sight, like the infamous moth to the flame, and just as easily they both got badly burnt. The fire has a way of being pretty and bright, but it ain't going to take away the sting if you reach out and touch. Laying here, in front a subtle, peaceful fire steadily eating its way though the heavy logs of wood, I can't help to think that's it's fitting somehow. The fire is never far away, even dormant like now. Even with only one of the two present. And in my arms, nonetheless.

So I'll admit it, freely. I am a sucker for the pain, for getting my heart broken in a thousand pieces seeing the way his green eyes lit up as he receives that phonecall he'll get every morning, the apology and promise of never again that holds the magic power of erasing everything that brought him to me the night before.

And as all the other nights I do what I have become so very familiar with... I kiss away tears, I tend to bruises and the occasional cut and scrape, my hands not even shaking anymore because the feelings are so deeply buried in me by now.

The lights are never turned on, on nights like these. We're both intimate friends with the darkness and we hardly notice. In fact we both prefer it. There are things that can't deal with the harsh light of day. And masked by the soft, sweet darkness he can't spot the single tear that escape my eyes, brushed away before it can even reach the skin on my face.

Rain lulls us into slumber, curled up tightly together in front of the fireplace. I fight the drowsiness, needing to stay awake longer than he does. Holding him so very close, stroking his face with the tips of my fingers or combing his hair away from his face...I am terrified of losing even a single second of my time here, alone with him. I have come to dread the sunrise, a sight that usually fills me with content and ease. My arms tighten automatically around the sleeping form that more often than not has cried himself to sleep in my arms.

I don't know what has made him trust me in this way, so he can come to me when there's noone else left. I only know that I love him.

And that he doesn't love me back.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't

I'm fighting a fight that I have no chance of winning. I'm not stupid, I know the facts and that things aren't going to change. Inspite of all, they do love each other. The man I am supposed to know better than anyone and our little, black lamb who can't seem to not get in way over his head. Hell, I wasn't even surprised to see them kiss, to see them steal small caresses when they thought nobody was watching. I was dying on the inside, but I wasn't surprised.

Because I loved him already then. And watched him fall in love with somebody else.

I didn't say anything then, tried to push my feelings so far away that they wouldn't bother me anymore. And I even thought I was doing fine...until the first bruise. Already lightened by the passing of the few days that had gone by since any of us had seen him. Using his skills with his words he explained it away, smiling as the elaborate tale wove a net around the lie at the core. But from that day something in his eyes changed, becoming guarded and wounded, more so than before.

His precious appearances will never give him away, but the look in his eyes will. Maybe just to me, I don't think the other ones suspects what's really going on. Or maybe they don't want to see. After all, the bad guys are supposed to be on the outside, not in here. Not in our midst. Still, I can't bring myself to hate him, the one who did it.

I can be angry with him, despise him, want to hurt him... But I can't hate him. He's too much like me. And God help me, I can see where it's coming from. It's what binds us all together, our demons. They get easier to deal with when they're shared. Most of the times though. Sometimes all it does is set them free.

Guess they both have some fault in this. One man who doesn't know his own temper and who allows his pain to take control of him, and one man who just doesn't know when to quit, when to retreat and regroup. And the outcome is...explosive. And here I stand, right in the middle of it.

It's not that I couldn't leave if I really wanted to. Or like there's nothing I could do about the whole situation.

Because, still, they love each other. It's written so clearly on my beloved's face, mixed with hope and fierce determination as soon as those words full of promises, asking for forgiveness, are uttered, over a telephone line, in the office or somewhere else. I've never heard the actual words, just seen the effect of them. Even held him in my arms as the call came. Feeling sick to my stomach hearing the mumbled, happy words, picturing the man on the other end of the line.

He has never come here though. I don't know if he even knows that this is where his lover flees when things at the ranch become too hard for him to handle. He's never said a thing about it, and I hope he never does. Because I don't know if I can keep from hitting him if he does.

Yet I am oddly, and shamefully, grateful. At least I have the one I love for a few, treasured hours this way. I get to hold him, be close to him, touch my lips to his face in a comforting, loving touch that can make him smile. All while hating myself for not putting an end to the pain he's in, when I know I'm able to.

I can keep on doing this, deal with things the way that they are, and not break down.

All I have to do is stop loving him.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
I'll close my eyes , then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Mornin' will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

There is so much that I should do, so much I'm sure I am supposed to do, faced with a situation like this. I'm probably just as much to blame here. But I'd rather have his heart for a few hours than not have it at all. And that's what makes my tears start to fall. My best friend has everything I want and he is in the process of throwing it all away because that's the only thing he knows how to do. And the one I love lets himself be used and abused because that's the only thing he knows. A vicious circle that is spinning out of control with me right in the middle. Too scared to do anything about it, too scared about losing something that I haven't got.

I just have to stop loving him. Stop letting him fill my thoughts, haunt my dreams, stop the daydreams and fantasies of what might have been. Stop being whatever I am and start being a friend. It really shouldn't be that difficult.

It's not me that he loves, I know that. I'm just a substitute for the times when the reality gets too ugly to be overlooked or explained away anymore. The proverbial security blanket. And we both pretend, hiding the truth far away with no intentions of ever bringing it back out again.

The morning is coming and he will leave soon. With a quick hug and a shy kiss to my cheek, a whispered 'thank you' in my ear. All I can do is let him leave, and see how just a little of his soul gets broken for each new night. While I stand around and watch.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart
And I feel he power
But you won't, no, you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

Yeah, everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be fine. All I have to do is stop loving him.

But just not tonight.

The End

(Lyrics: I Can't Make You Love Me, written by M. Reid/A. Shamblin.)