Who Holds The Healer When Teardrops Fall?

by windwilowk

Thanks to Lumina for her patience. This story has an 18 year old girl who dies and there is a funeral. If this is not for you thanks for checking. If it is and you cry like I do go get a tissue and thanks to you as well.


Nathan made his way through the office. The case was done. The wounded, in this case Chris and Buck were all patched up. None were dead, well at least none of the good guys. He went by Ezra's desk when he noticed the computer monitor on. Guess Ez was still here. When he went to move away a piece of paper fluttered from the desk.

Picking it up Nathan couldn't help but look at the words. Once he started to he couldn't bring himself to stop.

Who Holds the Healer?

He has seen a river of blood
running deeper than it ever should.
He has seen flesh torn apart by guns and knives
raining changes like raindrops through many lives.
He has seen far to many breathe one last breath
too soon welcoming the embrace of death.

When at night I lay myself down
the dream comes calling after thoughts gone round.
I see his face and his shuttered eyes
wondering where he goes when he needs to cry.
If he knew I would be a harbor safe and warm,
would he cry in my loving arms?

Loving arms thought Nathan. He would offer me a place to go when I need to cry. I care for him and he cares for me. Looking up Nathan saw Ezra looking welcoming and scared all at once. Nathan took note of the fact that he could actually see the emotions, could read Ezra. None of his walls were up.

"Nathan?"

"You write poetry."

"Um, yes." came the unusually simple reply.

"Do you mean it or were you just thinking?"

"I mean it Nathan, anytime every time."

"Would you like to have dinner with me Ezra. I'd like to continue this conversation someplace more private." Nathan said running a finger down Ezra's cheek.

Drawing in a little breath Ezra said. "Yes, let's go."


Later that evening, having picked up some take out, the two men sat on the sofa in front of Nathan's fireplace. The fire warmed the room and made it a cozy haven.

"Nathan, I've seen you do it. You patch us up, hell you patch up everyone you can get your hands on. I've seen you shut down when you realize someone's gone. You push down all the emotions and concentrate on the others who need medical assistance. And few think to ask how you're doing. They're just grateful that we are all living and breathing. Vin asks and Josiah too from time to time and I think they mean it. I don't think they'd know what to do though if they ever got an answer other than 'Doin ok, thanks.' And Chris, illustrious team leader though he may be, is so repressed when it comes to some emotions that even if Vin shovels through that particular load of manure, I'd wager it would take his lifetime before he finally finds the earth underneath. But I care Nathan. I care and I want to be here for you, to hold you when you need to cry, to love you whether you're happy or sad, angry or frustrated. I'm here to hold you if you're willing to let me in."

"I care about you too Ezra. I worry when you go under, not just about you being hurt physically, but emotionally as well. I worry that you might get lost in the role, or that someone might figure out who you are. You can't tell me that there haven't been times when you've needed to cry, when you're working through all the emotions connected with a case."

"You're right Nathan. I sometimes need to cry too."

"Come here." Nathan said opening his arms. Ezra curled nearer and they each wrapped their arms around the other. "You asked where I go when I need to cry. When I'm home alone I curl up under the covers and hold my pillow and cry til I'm exhausted. Sometimes at Chris's it hits me in the evening. No one much wonders about someone taking a shower then. I stand in the guest shower under the warm spray of water and the tears just start falling. If my face is a little wet the guys just figure I haven't gotten around to drying it yet."

With a soft kiss to Nathan's cheek Ezra said. "While I certainly won't confess to crying at Chris's, I am well acquainted with burying my face in my pillow. There are times though when I can't even make it that far - times when I've closed my door, shutting out the world and have slid down it and just bawled."

"Ez, I'll be your harbor and I'll let you be mine." Nathan said brushing the hair back from Ezra's eyes.

"I agree to the first and would be most appreciative of the second."

"Ez, that's an awful lot of words to simply say yes."

"Perhaps some less verbal communication then." Ezra said before leaning in and sucking on Nathan's lower lip, then kissing him a little more soundly.

A while later:

"Look at us Nathan."

"I feel like a teenager on the make."

"Guess it's time to retire for the evening." Ezra said straightening his clothes out and moving for his coat.

Nathan's hand snaked out grabbing Ezra's wrist in a gentle hold. "You don't have to go. You could stay here. Not in my room if you're not comfortable. I have a guest room. I'm rambling. Ezra?"

Trying unsuccessfully to stifle the giggles Ezra replied. "Yes you are most definitely rambling. I'm not going home. The guest room doesn't hold the same appeal as the master bedroom. It's missing the person I wish to snuggle with tonight."

"We're going to snuggle?"

"Thought we might."

"I'm liking the way you think."

"Glad to hear it. Shall we?"

"Yes, let's go."

Down the hall and into the bedroom they went. Once there they each began undressing the other. Little touches were exchanged, not so much building passion as continuing a lingering warmth. Soon they were naked. Nathan went over to the bed and turned the covers down. Ezra went to the other side and climbed in. Nathan climbed in from his side and drew Ezra's head to his chest. He placed a kiss on the top of his head, then they both snuggled under the covers.

The morning light found Ezra splayed across Nathan. He woke first. Itching to touch, he ran his hands lightly over Nathan's firm muscled shoulders enjoying the feel of the muscle under the smooth skin. Nathan stirred and stretched causing his morning hard on to brush Ezra's between their bodies. Both men let out low moans.

"I could get used to waking like this."

"Me too green eyes." Nathan replied and stretched again, this time bringing his hands to Ezra's hips. They both started to rock going faster as the need for release built. Nathan came first. His release triggering Ezra. After their breathing calmed Ezra kissed the tip of Nathan's nose and scampered out of bed.

"Shower love."

"Shower." Nathan said, his sated body moving gracefully from the bed.


A month later they were all at Chris's. A weekend to relax before starting their next case. Over the past five months or so weird stuff had been happening in the suburbs nearby. During Halloween a pumpkin was found wearing someone's clothes. Between then and Christmas there were a few more traffic accidents than usual involving older teens who were drunk. Late in January came a streaker. He was caught. He was also drunk as could be. Convinced by his parents that a little cooperation would help him when he appeared in court, he told all he knew.

There was a high school senior named Eric who's Dad let him have access to the household liquor. His Dad would even buy him whatever liquor he asked for, thinking that every teen drinks and it's part of growing up. Of course Mom and Dad were often gone on business trips, entrusting their son with the house.

They didn't know that their son had another source for his liquor, his older brother and the frat house. The fraternity brothers there had a special recipe. No one was quite sure what was in it. People were limited to one drink of it. It seemed to leave a person who had more than that very open to suggestion and feeling invincible.

Monday JD was enrolling as a high school senior. Chris was going in as a PE coach in the high school. Vin was going to college. Ezra was going in as a Grad student and aide to a professor. But today was Sunday and there was still some time.

Vin saw Nathan head out to the barn. Not long after he saw Ezra headed that way. He could see the storm clouds moving in and made to go into the barn himself till the shower passed. As he got near the barn he heard.

"May be what I've thought of endeavoring here would be to make love to the man I love on the hay in the hayloft."

"I'm surprised green eyes, I never would have pictured you naked in a hayloft."

"You don't have to picture it, Nathan. You can see for yourself if you like."

So that's how it is thought Vin turning from the barn with a small smile on his lips. Who'd a thought. Just then he spotted JD and Buck headed towards him and the barn.

"Looks like it's fixin to open up. What da you say we head for the barn."

"I was thinking we could make it to the house less of course you two don't think ya have it in ya to make it there fore she lets loose."

"I'll show you." came out of JD as he took off running.

"What 'bout you ole man." Vin teased, knowing it would wind Buck up then he took off, looking back over his shoulder to see Buck coming after him yelling.

"I'll show you old you young runt!"

When they made into the house Josiah asked.

"Where's Ez and Nate?"

"Maybe in the barn." Vin said.

"Hope they'll be warm enough out there."

"I'm sure they'll be plenty warm 'siah." Vin said as he turned away with a twinkle in his eyes.


Meanwhile, back in the barn things were definitely warm and then some. Both men were up in the hayloft. Moving away from Nathan's mouth, Ezra moved down his neck kissing and sucking here and there. He passed the sensitive nipples for now. He had plans to love on them in a bit. He nipped at Nathan's belly button, playing all around the edges. Then he moved lower and fondled the erection he held in his hands. He loved the texture and the taste. He followed the veins up and down with teasing fingers as he lightly blew across the head. Then he slowly started sucking on it taking in a little more each time he lowered his head.

"Please Ez, want you in me."

With that Ezra started rolling his balls. He slipped Nathan's penis out to lick and suck on them. His other hand had slipped down lower and there were two fingers working themselves in and out of Nathan. He was moving his hips hard and fast trying to make himself come. Ezra pulled back and said he loved him then took him down his throat fast flicking at his prostate at the same time. With any luck the thunder covered the loudness of Nathan's cry. Then he moved upwards, nudging Nathan's entrance with his penis. Nathan shifted and put his legs around Ezra's waist. Then Ezra, looking him in the eyes, entered him in one smooth stroke. He leaned forward and kissed and nipped at Nathan's nipples till he felt Nathan's slow rocking become stronger. His head was back and his breathing was so ragged he was rambling again. Ezra decided on quick pounding thrusts. Soon Nathan and Ezra were both coming, this time in silence, as if to cry out would be to say good bye. That was something neither man was willing to do. The rain had passed and they made their way back to the house. They both grabbed some dinner.

"Hey there, brother. Glad to see you're warm and dry. Vin said you two was probably in the barn."

"Did he now." Ezra managed to get out after nearly choking on his food.

"Yep, I sure did. Told him I thought you and Nathan was plenty warm, leastways from what I could tell." he finished with a wink.

This time Ezra did choke.


Two days before the case broke, Nathan and Josiah were leaving a restaurant when they came across traffic snarled by a car accident.

A young woman had been the victim of a hit and run. She had run into the drug store to get something for her Grandma at home. A younger boy, her brother sat behind the wheel of the car where he'd been waiting for her. He was in a state of shock. Josiah went to him and Nathan went to the girl. She was still breathing, but then she stopped.

Nathan did mouth to mouth. The ambulance arrived. They loaded her up. But they wouldn't take the brother, Dave, who was 16, with his 18 year old sister Katie. They called another ambulance for him, fearing that seeing the medical treatment Katie would need would further traumatize him. An officer said he'd take Josiah to the hospital so he stayed with Dave.

Nathan followed the ambulance with Katie. When they got to the hospital she coded. The crash cart came out to meet them, everyone trying so hard, but not being able to alter the passing of another life.

By the time Josiah arrived, the parents were there talking with the doctors. For all his shock, Dave was able to give a description of the person behind the wheel of the car which would match other descriptions as well as a certain vehicle. Nathan had his poker face on, ever supportive.

Josiah gave him a ride home, offering to pick him up for work so he could retrieve his vehicle. Leaving him off he said.

"That was hard, brother."

"I know."

"How are you doing?"

"Doing ok, Josiah. How about you. Do you need to stay the night?"

"Naw."

"All right then. See you tomorrow."

With that he turned and went into his home. He shut the door and wished with all his heart that Ezra could be here to hold him. He made his way to the shower. Padding naked to the bedroom, he crawled under the covers and grabbed the pillow Ezra used when he wasn't using his shoulder or chest, and let the tears flow.


The case had broken. Arrests were made and the team made it through with only one injury to JD, who had sprained his ankle while taking down Eric. It was his brother who had hit Katie.

Looking out the window to his office Chris saw Ezra putting on his jacket and gathering his things. Coming out he asked.

"Ez, where are you going?"

"I'm joining Nathan at the cemetery for the funeral of Katie Reese."

"I ok'd Nathan's attending. He'll be fine and you have paperwork to finish, if I'm not mistaken."

"I am going, Mr. Larabee."

"No, you're not Mr. Standish."

Ezra turned away from Chris and Vin caught the look of cold steel in his eyes. 'Hell's bells.' he thought. 'He's done pushed Ezra farther than he knows.' Ezra turned back towards Chris. Vin nodded at Josiah and he gave a small nod back. They both started around the backs of the desks towards Chris as Ezra took a step forward.

"You sir, are a repressed, insensitive, jerk! How do you know he'll be fine? Do you ever think to venture beyond the standard answer of doin ok that he gives? Do you ever wonder that seeing bodies torn apart from guns and knives might do something to the soul of any healer, especially Nathan's? Do you wonder if he ever cries at night? Do you even care?" Ezra said the last while poking his finger on the chest of a dumbfounded and silent Chris.

Looking at their raging southerner and feeling the meaning of the words shouted at him sinking in, Chris said. "Go ahead Ezra." only to find himself talking to the empty space where Ezra had stood. Hearing the ding of the elevator he turned to Vin and Josiah, dismissed Josiah with a nod and motioned for Vin to join him in his office.

"All right, pard want to tell me what in seven blazes that was all about."

"Think Ezra said it right clear. He didn't even use as many of his five dollar words as usual. What did you think you missed cowboy?"

"What do I think I missed?! Since when is Ezra so protective of Nathan?"

"Oh, so you got the part where Nathan might be hurtin' from time to time what with all the caretakin he does?"

"Yes, blast you Vin I got that."

"So it's the other part's got you confused?"

"Yes, no, Vin." By this time Chris's words sounded more like growls.

"Did it ever occur to you that they might have feelings for each other?"

"So that's how it is."

"Yeah cowboy, that's how it is."

"Am I really a repressed jerk?"

"Don't know, cowboy. Have to think on that some."

"Vin."

"What? You asked."


The funeral service was peaceful. The music moving. In the front, under the canopy, were the family and close friends. In the back, two men held hands, one giving the other strength, while contemplating such a tragic loss of life. The service finished, the two men held back. Then they slowly made their way forward. Each resting a white rose near the edge of the ground as the coffin was lowered. Nathan began to shake as he silently fought back the tears.

"Home love." Home now being the condo the two had bought together.

"Yes." came the whispered response.

Once in the door they quietly made their way to the bedroom. Ezra and Nathan undressed. This time it was Ezra who lowered the covers. He climbed in and scooted over. Nathan went into his open arms, put his head down on Ezra's chest, and let the tears break free until he was all cried out and the beat of Ezra's heart lulled him to sleep. Before drifting off he looked at Ezra asking.

"Where have all the children gone?"

Ezra kept watch, thinking of children and the losses of innocence. Those out west in settlers times grew up fast when a parent died. Children back east had once worked the mines, sometimes at twelve if they could pass for fourteen. The children of the depression and the orphan trains had all lost some sense of innocence. Did they think as so many young today do that they were invincible. When he arrested Dave's brother that was all he could say he was so drunk, but he thought himself invincible. Finding out about the hit and run from his end of things had moved him to write another poem. Nathan's emotions were too raw to show it to him now, perhaps after they'd both had time to talk and heal. He thought back to the words of the poem.

Gone

Where have all the children gone
who played in open fields?

Where have all the children gone
who danced and sang upon the hills?

How many thinking themselves invincible,
will kill and or be killed?

How many will be lost before
we listen, standing still?

We may never truly know the
ones who have been saved;

Or ever truly count each child's
body lowered in a grave.

Where have all the children gone?
Another coffin's lowered in a grave.

Ezra drifted off to sleep.

The next morning he woke before Nathan. Looking at his lover's face what he wouldn't give for the hope of Nathan not hurting like this again. But he knew reality was like fate, each having its own way. But for now, now there was no one but the two of them. When Nathan woke up he would love him gently, giving not passion, but kindness, and comfort, and love.

The end


Ezra's Body of Slash Archive | FAQ | Search Engine

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to windwilowk

The Magnificent Seven belongs to MGM, the Trilogy Entertainment Group, the Mirisch Corporation and TNN, and was developed by John Watson and others. Ezra's Body of Slash Archive and its contents are part of a non-profit fan site, and was not endorsed or licensed by any of the above entities.